PLEASE DEARS LET ME SHINE

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I grew up a fat kid. Even now it’s not over until I sing. My mother constantly reminded me that regardless of my body size I was still a child. She said to me on innumerable occasions “Toni you’re still a baby, if any man talks to you let me know immediately”.

I remember the first time I ever went to the market with her. “My size, my size answer na” One of the sellers kept harassing me and when she turned to wave him off he shouted at her “Madam wetin concern you” My mother went livid “Will you stop touching my daughter” she screamed. I saw the immediate look of surprise on his face “This one na your pikin abi na your sister”. I just stood there sad; oh how I hated my body.

My mother was right, I was a baby but because my body decided to mature before the ink got dry I got a number of unsolicited attention from older guys. At the age of 15 I would lie that I was in University and these men would believe me.

I never felt like people my age actually noticed me because if they did how come I was only approached by older guys? All the guys I liked never gave me a second look. All of that had to change I thought but how?

I was in my first year of University when I decided I had to look appealing. Very appealing. I’d always had a thing for fashion but this time it wasn’t about looking good, it was about looking attractive so my dressing became far from modest; short, tight, low cut and anything that would accentuate my curves. Sure enough I got the attention I wanted, from both the people I wanted it from and the people I didn’t, but it wasn’t enough. How else could I put myself out there?

I got my ear, tongue and nipples pierced.

Still not enough. I had to shine. I decided on a couple of tattoos and blonde hair.

 The image I saw in the mirror didn’t quite represent who I was but it would definitely get me what I wanted.

Attention. Relevance. Popularity.

I finally got them, more than I thought was possible but along with what I wanted came a list of things I didn’t want. HATE or as people like to say beef happened to be foremost on that list. I told myself I was unperturbed about this until I forgot what it was to be cheerful.

Was this my true nature though? No it wasn’t. My true nature was basic and boring so I suppressed it and this facade became me.

Thank you so much for making it to the end of this story. Quick question have you ever tried to do things and act in manners you normally wouldn’t just to fit in and be accepted? Have you ever felt you need to be anybody but you to be noticed?
If you have and would like to share your story I would love to read it in the comment section below. Also if you have any questions, suggestions, thoughts please leave it in the comment section as well. Thanks. xx

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